• Christian Russell-Pollock

#1 - The Twitter Lemons of Cyprus

Updated: Nov 4, 2019


Welcome to my second ever blog. The first was part of some university course-work (how modern!) where I covered the economics of buying condoms in bulk. In it, I advised any condom users to buy their prophylactics from a wholesaler rather than a retailer because, on average, it generates a saving of 69p per unit. 


Not only did the work achieve a modest 'B' but it has had a lasting effect as I continue to buy condoms in that way. Because they are mainly purchased by clinics, they come in a large box of 144 condoms, 30 instruction manuals and 30 little white paper bags. I recycle the instruction manuals and put sweets in the white paper bags for trick or treaters at Halloween. Trick or Treat? It's both! 


This blog, however, will be about a recent holiday to Cyprus, an unusual wisdom tooth extraction, joining Twitter and highlights from my recent gigs.


Bitter Lemons of Cyprus

I have recently come back from holiday with my parents. The holiday was a very sedate affair. My time was spent either at the beach watching old men wipe the sand from their feet or round the pool beating my parents at Monopoly Deal (my degree in Business Studies coming to my aid once again). I also read a book on how to make your own will (it was in a list of books to read before you die). If I had to pick just one highlight, I would choose waking up to see my dad stood on a stool urinating into the kitchen sink because my mum was constipated and taking too long in the toilet. No doubt, you will be asking the same question as me. Why use a stool? Focus on accuracy man, there was crockery on the draining board!

Unconventional Wisdom - A Life Hack Dentists will always recommend you go to a hospital for a wisdom tooth extraction. However, getting an appointment at a hospital takes on average 6 months. Whereas if you beg, plead and cry in front of your dentist, they will be guilt-tripped into taking the tooth out themselves THAT DAY! This was the strategy I went for earlier this month.


It was an odd feeling, persuading a dentist to take a tooth out. I am in no way a brave man, but I found myself having to give an unplanned pep talk before the procedure. The speech highlighted how calm the dentist made me feel (a lie), explained that if anything goes wrong, then I would have had to the hospital anyway (sound logic) and finished with the words "you'll be fine".


Everything was, of course, fine. The dentist had a very steady hand, and the tooth came out with no fuss. As I said to my partner that evening: "if he had got the right tooth, it would have been a textbook extraction!"


Sleeping in a Ford Mondeo - The Gig Diaries

Here are this month's gigging highlights: 1. I slept in the car in a village equidistant between Reading and Portsmouth. This blog will often refer to my love of sleeping in my car after gigs so I guess I should answers any queries about the logistics of it now: 


My partner and I have a 2004 Ford Mondeo with broken air-conditioning* and a suspicious rust patch. The car has a very deep boot, and if I put the back seats down and cleverly fold two duvets and a towel, I can create a perfectly acceptable bed. I lie on a roll mat and sleep with my head under the parcel shelf, to keep out both the light and hopeful stares of local doggers. It's surprisingly peaceful, and would thoroughly recommend it. I call it a Ford Siesta. 

This particular stay in the Hotel du Voiture followed a gorgeous gig in Pangbourne (posh place outside Reading - think Midsommer Murders). The following day I travelled to the Isle of Wight to perform to some of the most sexually vivacious pensioners I've ever met. They were a good crowd, and one chap afterwards told me he actually had a viagra dealer. I said I've never been anywhere before with a blue market. We laughed. Great times. 


Thanks to promoters Noel Brodie and Daniel Fitzhenry for the gigs. These lovely chaps run the Surgery Comedy and Fitz of Giggles franchises respectively. (I'm sure franchise is the wrong word - I will have to consult my university textbooks**).


2. On Thursday 10th October we held the final Chapter 12 Comedy Club of 2019. For the uninitiated, Chapter12 is a gig I set up with two friends (Ben and Sara) in Totnes, Devon. It's mad, ramshackle and features some of the stupidest games ever created. On Thursday we played a game of 'Neil or No Neil', where I displayed images and the audience had to shout out whether or not they could see a Neil. If that doesn't get picked up by ITV2, nothing will. 

Twitter

Have you heard of Twitter? I've just learnt about it, and I think it's going to be massive. I really do! So I've decided to set a Twitter up. On it, I'm going to write jokes and post funny images, imagine that.


If you would like to follow me, you can do so here: https://twitter.com/CRPComedian

Thank you. That's everything for this month folks. Thank you for reading. I do appreciate it. Please share with anyone you think could be interested. Love Cx


*I accidentally punctured the air conditioning unit with a screwdriver in 2017. This was one of three times where a mechanic has openly laughed in my face.


**It is the wrong word but it's written now, so f*** it.


***uck


© Christian Russell-Pollock